The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried. ********************* The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart. ********************* The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money. ********************* An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. ********************* If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. (c) Clint Eastwood ********************* What's considered enough money? Just a little bit more. (c) Will Rogers ********************* If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. (c) J. Paul Getty
FrenchCapitalism You have 2 cows. You go on strike, organize a riot and block the roads because you want 3 cows.
JapaneseCapitalism You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.
GermanCapitalism You have 2 cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
ItalianCapitalism You have 2 cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
RussianCapitalism You have 2 cows. You count them and learn that you have 5 cows. You count again and learn you have 42 cows. You count again and learn you have 2 cows. You open another bottle of vodka.
SwissCapitalism You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
ChineseCapitalism You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reports otherwise.
IndianCaptialism You have 2 cows. You worship them.
BritishCapitalism You have 2 cows. Both are mad.
IraqiCapitalism Everyone thinks you have many cows. You tell them you have none but they don’t believe you and bomb the @#$%&! out of your country. You still have no cows but at least you are part of a democracy.
NewZealand Capitalism You have 2 cows. The one on the left is looking pretty sexy..
AustralianCapitalism You have 2 cows. Business seems good. You close the office and go for a few celebratory beers.
AmericanCapitalism You have 2 cows. The Republicans say they are adequate but how can we make them more productive without incurring additional expense. The Democrats say the cows are tainted and we need more regulation, no profit incentive and another whole herd to give milk to the underprivileged and the swarms of illegals crossing our borders. Government statistics say we have 5 cows but a revision is forthcoming.
Socialism You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbor.
Communism You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
Fascism You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
Nazism You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
Bureucratism You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away
TraditionalCapitalism You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AmericanCapitalism You have 2 cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
EnronVenture Capitalism You have 2 cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
AndersenModel Capitalism You have 2 cows. You shred them
I'm back in college now, didn't have internet all summer (had to run to the library to leech internet to enter in trades - late nights some times). Here are some more funnies. The youtube one about hitler and the gold comex is the best still, uff da, that one made me lol for real.
A woman proudly told her friend, 'I'm responsible for making my husband a millionaire.' 'Well what was he before he married you?' the friend asked. 'A billionaire.'
A priest announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'
If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
Collected 'Funny' Trading Book Names
Trading in the Twilight Zone How I made $20 in the Stock Market Stock Market Blizzards Probably High Trading Technical Analysis of Stock Traps How to Make Money in Stockings A Random Hock Down Wall Street Trading is for Dummies Options, Pricing, and Futility To Kill a Martingale 'Getting Finished in Options' , the Last Edition Options as a Tragic Investment Trading for a Survival Come into my Trading Trunk Technical Analysis of the Fickle Markets How to make a fortune selling books about the Stock Markets Fraud Like a Hedge Fund Lucky Market Lizards Reminiscences of a Commission Generator Trading for a bankruptcy filling
A new manager spends a week at his new Broker office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, 'I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve.' Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says 'Blame your predecessor!' He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious market problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, 'Reorganize!' This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says 'Prepare three envelopes'.